WHAT THE FUCK HAS THIS GOT TO DO WITH BIKES!?

For those of you who thought they were getting a bit old to still be on the circuit.

HANDSOME BUT SCARY

These photos have been nicked from HERE. Looks like they're about a year old and judging from the clothes, taken in June or July. It's a testament to the guy's photography skills that he's managed to make everyone look so normal. Note Quimby keeping it real with the cast.







Not much Millporpoloco news at the moment, the event that organises itself seems to be doing the same again this year. On the tandem front some sort of boat anchor seems like the best way to stop people flying off the end of the pier.

GLASGOW'S FATTEST COURIER TOO TIGHT TO PAY FOR OWN PETROL

This has nothing to do with Millportpoloco but it's worth mentioning that Hutch from Alliance Bicycle Couriers has started up a new business to help pay for all of Sheona's perms. You can find out all about BIKE BUS here.
Come to think of it, can we hire you for the Millpocalypse weekend ?

ACCOMMODATION

I suppose it's about time we started posting some useful information for this year.
If you're coming from far afield ( and by that I mean further than Dumbarton ) you'll need somewhere to stay.Last year we had Swiss, Irish and a melting pot of Londoners come to visit us along with several non-messengers, everyone will be made welcome... unless you come from Carluke .Friday night takes place in Glasgow so drop us a line here: westcoastmess@yahoo.co.uk and we'll sort you out with a couch or floor. Saturday is camping so a tent/hammock would be good or at least a sleeping bag so you can spoon in someone elses tent... alternatively you can stay up all night throwing stones at the moon with the locals ( I swear I hit it last year ), or book into the hotel. If you're one of the lucky one's who doesn't miss the last ferry on Sunday another couch in Glasgow awaits, then it's up to you and the couch owner how much longer you get to stay.
In unrelated tandem news apparently it's going to be red...if Bike Booty can grab a spare minute to paint it between fixing Art School student's Raleigh Shoppers.

CYBER DORKS

We've decided to hop on the Myspace bandwagon, I think if this guy is on there then it must be cool. The problem is we're lookin' pretty unpopular at the moment, so come and be our super cyber friends so you can receive bulletins filled with useless information. MYMILLPORTSPACE

MY, THAT'S A DANDY HORSE

After devoting minutes of brainpower trying to come up with a really cool name for the TANDEM we have finally decided on "Dandy Horse"... "what!?" I hear you cry, you don't think that's a cool sounding name? Well let me fill you in on the history:
In 1839 Kirkpatrick MacMillan a Scottish blacksmith added a treadle pedal system to the current ' Boneshaker ' velocipedes that were propelled by pushing along the ground with your feet, thus he created the daddy of the modern pedal bicycle. These were called Dandy Horses.
Kirkpatrick never filed a patent so other so-called 'inventors of the bicycle' dispute his title. What is on record in newspaper archives is that in 1842 he was fined for hitting a pedestrian while travelling at 8mph. So although there may be many claims to inventing the bicycle, there can be no dispute that the first person to get a ticket was a Scotsman... put that in your Dandy Horse and smoke it!

SUNDAY EQUALS FUNDAY

This being the third Millportpoloco we have by now realised just how difficult it is to get people moving on the Sunday morning. This is due to the ' Lord of the Flies ' mentality that takes over city-boy couriers the moment they get out into the wilderness, in 2005 this resulted in arson and probably the highest percentage of injuries at any courier event...ever. In 2006 the fragility of James Tait's mental state by Sunday threw up one of the weirdest alleycats this reporter has witnessed ( see photos ).
So this year we are going to keep it fun and not too physically taxing, that means sea jumping on a child's BMX off the pier and track stand pillow fights. Two great events and limited risk of drowning. BRING YOUR TRUNKS.

BROWN THUNDER

The track tandem is starting to take shape. You can follow it's progress in it's very own blog HERE it's a good way to keep the BIKE BOOTY guys on their toes.

MILLPOCALYPSE NOW - WHAT'S ON

I just noticed there is no explaination of what actually happens at a Millportpoloco so for the uninitiated here's a brief run down.


FRIDAY - URBAN KEIRIN :The Friday night events take place in the city of GLASGOW ( 2006 European capital of Drug abuse, knife crime and heart disease ) but don't let that put you off we'll be in the posh part. James Tait ( yes that Jaimzey Tait ) is responsible for this night, last year he put on some fine local bands in the Halt Bar followed by Night Keirin around Park Circus, despite the late start this is still a live traffic event, as Selim found out last year. He was fine, his bike wasn't.Expect more of the same this year.


SATURDAY - MILLPORT :This is when the weekend really gets started. Our destination is the island of Great Cumbrae a one hour train ride and 15 min ferry trip away. We leave Glasgow at 10:30am and arrive in Millport, the island's only town, at around midday. The town has everything we need food and drink wise so all you'll need is a bike and a tent and clean underwear if you're posh. The main event is a ten mile individual time-trial around the coast road ( there is only one other road so you can't go wrong ) this is a bit different for couriers who are used to starting and stopping a lot but the scenery is beautiful if you decide halfway round that you've shot yer bolt. An added feature this year is the track tandem Bike Booty are supplying, this means that at any point during the day two person teams can put in a time around the island, bear in mind the start/finish line is on the pier and the tandem is not drilled for a brake. When the time-trial finishes (usually late afternoon) we go and set up camp then the island is yours to explore, which at Millportpolocos 1 and 2 has meant go to The Tavern and sample their £1 whisky. Then there's the huge campfire and some sort of musical entertainment that goes on far too late.

SUNDAY - RANDOM ACTS :Sunday has no fixed program of events.At Millportpoloco 1 it was track bike events (skids, stands, circles) which unfortunately were cancelled due to the massive casualty rate from the night before*. Then last year was the alleycat laid on by James with the infamous swimming checkpoint. So at the present time Sunday's events haven't been decided but prizegiving will take place at the end of it.

*see upcoming 2005 report for full details

2007 DATE FINALLY DECIDED

After thinking about changing this years dates because they clash with the Dublin CMWC post event in Holland we decided that, fuck it, we'll just go ahead. Scotland has a short summer and the calendar is already busy,plus we're fae Glasgow and don't give a shite. So Aug. 10th - 12th it is. If I remember correctly we ran the first Millportpoloco on the same weekend as the New York CMWC and it didn't cause any harm to either event.

MILLPORTPOLOCO III

Right! Hello and Happy New Year and all that sort of pish and shite.
This year's Millportpoloco ( the 3rd in a series of 26 if the spaces on the trophy are anything to go by ) is going ahead on Aug 10th-12th.
As anyone who's been to the last two will know the emphasis is not on the competition, although there will be urban Keirin in Glasgow on Fri. night ( hosted by Mr. Jaimzey Tait ) and the main event: A ten mile time trial around the island of Great Cumbrae.

In addition to the individual time trial, this year we have a track tandem for you and a friend/drunk local to put a time in on whenever it suits you and, depending on how well the whisky's going down we might just have a skid comp on it. As you can see from the photo it still needs a bit of work but the hard part ( getting eighty year old bottom-brackets out ) is done and there will be regular updates WATCH THIS SPACE.
Full and exact details of this years event will be posted soon but we can guarantee a few things: shite prizes, £1 whisky in The Tavern, deep fried pizza, a great big fire, swimming and if the last two years are anything to go by at least one person will end up in the hospital and Niall Dobie will get hypothermia.
So if you're in the vicinity of the British Isles this summer you'd be daft not to make it to sunny Scotland...just look at the state of our fucking cows!

10 THINGS THAT HAPPENED IN 2006

1. Billy didn't make it onto the island. He was last seen lying spread-eagled on the sea front in Largs shouting profanities at the sky.
2. Matt nearly drowned. Matt holds the dubious honour of being ( probably ) the only bike messenger ever to have nearly drowned DURING an alleycat.
3. Matt was rescued by a hot girl wearing just her under wear. Nice one Justyna... nice one Matt!
4. 'Fou of the booze' was found lying drunk in the street in Glasgow before anyone had even got on the train.
5. Bert ran his own bike over in the van.
6. Kerr snogged a local. There really should have been a prize for that.
7. Woody's tent WASN'T set on fire.
8. It rained, then the sun came out, then it rained, then the sun came out, then it rained, then the sun came out, then it...
9. Neil got mild hypothernia AGAIN.
10. Randall chopped up his carbon bike and gave little pieces of it to everyone...what a gent.

2006 RESULTS

About 2/3 of the people who came this year actually raced... which is a pretty good showing at this sort of thing.
Here are the results, some people beasted it all the way round, others toured. Brian's year of sobriety seems to have paid off and defending champion Chris' second place set things up for a Rocky style comeback next year.

10.5 MILE TIME TRIAL - COURIER BAG WORN - NO LYCRA ALLOWED

1. BRIAN - GLASGOW - 28:50
2. CHRIS - DUBLIN - 30:07
3. PETE BOG - EDIN/GLA - 33:17
4. WEE SCOTT - LONDON - 34:02
5. KERR - EDINBURGH - 34:40
6. RANDALL - ZURICH - 34:41
7. MATT - DUBLIN - 34:45
8. CLIFFY - DUBLIN - 35:06
9. JAMES - GLASGOW - 35:23
10. GAZ - GLASGOW - 35:34
11. NIALL - GLASGOW - 35:56
12. GREGOR - GLASGOW - 36:07 *
13. NIGEL - LONDON - 36:55
14. JUSTYNA - GLASGOW - 38:01 FIRST PLACE GIRL
15. PED - GLASGOW - 38:04
16. ALLEY - LON/GLA - 38:33
17. WOODY - EAST KILBRIDE - 38:54
18. ROBIN SUPERKID - LONDON - 39:30
19. CESAR - SPN/GLA - 41:18 *
20. GAZ COCK BANDIT - GLASGOW - 41:47
21. NATALIE - DUBLIN - 42:10 *
22. JAMIE - GLASGOW - 43:40 * 12 YRS OLD
23. BOOTS - GLASGOW - 45:40 *
24. =KRISZTA - BUD/GLAS - 53:29 *
24. =LINDSAY - GLASGOW - 53:29 * 11 YEARS OLD
26. LEWIS - GLASGOW - 57:30 13 YEARS OLD... ON A BMX !
27. PAUL - GLASGOW - DNF

* GEARED BIKE - MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE USED THEM.

THAT'S ANOTHER ONE OUT OF THE WAY

Well Millportpoloco 2 is over, results will be posted soon but we all know that new champ Brian horsed the lot of you, so anyone that fancies themselves as a contender for next year better get on the turbo trainer now.
As my photography skills are shite at best I'm looking for other people's stuff. You can e-mail images to:

westcoastmess@yahoo.co.uk

Try to only send good funny pics... i don't want ten photos of piles of bikes or other typical alleycat bollocks.
Anyway while I try to dredge the memories of this year up from my special secret place in my mind here is a photo of what I think will become one of the iconic images of Millportpoloco 2.


Most people never manage to live up to their nicknames but "Fou of th'booze" effortlessly achieves everything his adoring public expect of him. ( he's not dressed up, that's just what he wears )